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Searching for Me

by Paul McEwan

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1.
In every heart there’s a melody our little part play it with feeling let everyone join our symphony we’ll have some fun and start healing What does it mean to know you’re alive It’s never been so hard to answer a lottery you can win and thrive then suddenly die of cancer I’m not a star I’m a nobody with a guitar just a part of the mystery of who we are and who we wish we could be I’m searching my repertoire looking for me You’re going good but the world’s on fire I think you should begin to worry you need to do more than laws require I’m thinking you better hurry I’ve been searching all these years for me where did I go you’ll be so shocked to see I’ve been here with you all along you know Oh lovely day don’t you spread your wings when skies of gray they come a rollin’ I guess I know like so many things you didn’t go you were stolen I don’t need to be anyone else but me
2.
Everything’s turning into grey you don’t want to stay It’s okay to feel that way to feel that way to feel that way you and I soon turned into we losing you and me love’s easy but never free it’s never free it’s never free Where did it go the skies were blue and everything was good and true now it’s becoming harder to believe in me and you You’ll never get away if you keep holding on holding on why would you want to stay when love is cold and gone cold and gone If you’re telling yourself a lie that you can’t deny why not try to say goodbye to say goodbye to say goodbye things might change if you just let go love won’t lay you low even though you never know you never know you never know When love is all stormy weather and you just want a sunny day you don’t want to be together It’s okay to feel that way Love is gone and now come what may it’s a brand new day Find a way to feel okay to feel okay to feel okay
3.
I’m not buying a bloody word they say we’re all living and dying there is no other way while the world out my window’s shuffling along I watch where the wind blows and sing that Dylan song We’re all sleeping and dreaming we’re awake when the nightmares come creeping you’ll feel your body shake will we all take a number never to be called or rise from our slumber defiant and appalled Tell me a story that I haven’t heard try to make sure you don’t bore me with every tortured word I don’t need a happy ending to make me feel okay I’ve grown weary of pretending that life works out that way Data sweeping they suck it up for free while we act like we’re keeping each other company are the selfies you’re taking for your cyberspace just reasons you’re making to look at your own face I know it’s getting late and so we can’t wait It’s not easy to do something new but if we don’t we won’t pull through They keep spying on everyone it’s true If you’re living or dying they’re always watching you as computing gets faster soon enough you’ll see they’ll become the master enslaving you and me
4.
I know they will never let you find yourself and try and forget who works you for starvation wages now you’re locking kids in cages Everything gets more appalling by design to keep you crawling throwing their crumbs in our faces teaches us to know our places Everybody’s hoping they’re going to make it through alive people barely coping all need a new way to survive even when life’s sunny we’re not able to get that far because it’s always the money that’s driving the car Poverty became systemic long before the new pandemic fascist leaders bark their orders build more walls and seal the borders a young mother seeking shelter from the hardships life has dealt her takes no satisfaction knowing where she’s at is where we’re going Oh here we go it’s happening and all we know is it’s going to bring rivers of tears it’s nothing new and they won’t be here to rescue you It doesn’t take much we’re finding to bring industries’ wheels grinding to a halt but it won’t matter in the end they’ll all grow fatter Hands out they approach our leaders reduced now to bailout pleaders looking so concerned and caring you can bet they won’t be sharing And if we don’t change the course we’re heading on we’ll be gone.
5.
I saw you living rough your life was pretty tough oh the world is cold when you’re on your own it’s hard to stay afloat when you don’t have a boat and you’re sinking like a stone Did all your dreams come true the day I rescued you well they might have but it’s so hard to tell I know I didn’t see that you were saving me and it’s probably just as well Bonny prince Reggie and sweet Margo you made everything seem worthwhile I wonder did you know lying on my bed in your blanket of sun those were the days but now your days are done Those happy years we spent I don’t know where they went but they’re worth more to me than any gold and then one day she came that plucky little dame needing shelter from the cold Well she was scared of me but you were family though her guard was dropping as time flowed by and we were getting there but nothing here is fair and there’s no point asking why I loved you both right from the start so beautiful like works of art and then death ripped us right apart all that’s left is my broken heart It happened so damn quick the two of you got sick and I tried everything I could to save you but just a few days on the both of you were gone there was nothing I could do Together now you lay down in the stone cold clay and there’s dark clouds hanging over my head but when the sun shines through I think of both of you warm and happy on my bed They’re done they’re done all done no more days in the sun watching you having fun made me the lucky one, made me the lucky one
6.
Everybody wants somebody yeah everybody wants somebody it’s true and though the river runs fast and muddy I’m going to keep on looking for you I know when the heart gets lonely and there’s nobody there that you can tell it to you want to find a cure but maybe I’m only fooling myself by looking for you Oh the river flows so slow when you are feeling low I know just let it go and sit and watch the river flow If you ever feel you’re falling and there’s nobody there that you can hold on to just reach out with your heart and start calling ‘cause I’m still out there looking for you Days to weeks then months to years a life that reeks of souvenirs oh but time it just keeps rolling on then everybody’s gone We’ll all face our final curtain yeah everybody knows that sure ain’t nothing new but while my river runs you can be certain I’m going to keep on looking for you for you I’m going to keep on looking for you for you I’m going to keep on looking for you
7.
Where are we going how the hell did we end up here tensions are growing ramping up our level of fear too many big men hold the cards they’re not showing and when they make their big mistake there’ll be more than hot air they’re blowing Everybody’s on their way trying to find somewhere to stay same old story different day they want to keep you crawling, crawling change is going to come you know but it’s coming way to slow sometimes you have to let go if you want to stop falling, falling Power’s corrupting some folks are so enterprising greed keeps erupting but we don’t find it surprising we just expect it it’s a sad state of affairs like evil elves they help themselves and what was yours voilà it’s now theirs One day we’ll pay how do we escape from getting blown away when they drop the bomb Walking that redline there they go looking so proud but there’s no sunshine beneath a mushroom cloud
8.
Getaway 04:10
I once knew someone who never did anything at all they just couldn’t have fun trapped behind their own prison wall and all the pain that they’ve been storing through all these years those quiet tears will all come pouring out when it’s too late to make your getaway for a better day Someone I once knew is living like they’re on a mission that mission’s never through when you’re driven by ambition but all the gold in this world won’t do a bloody thing to ever bring that time back to you the time you never made to make your getaway for a better day You never know how things will go try letting go getting so high and low and you will see this remedy is all you need it’s guaranteed to set you free I knew somebody who planned their life out like a wedding but they just couldn’t see where their life was really heading we try to tell ourselves we know where we’re going to but very few ever end up there so give your head a shake and make your getaway for a better day What would it take to break away you tell yourself you’ll make the time someday only to find the world you thought you knew is coming down coming down coming down on you Someone that I know fell into those same old habits the problems start out slow but they soon multiply like rabbits from a do-nothing to a go-getter that somebody well it was me but now I’m better I’ve learned from my mistake to make my getaway for a better day a better day a better day
9.
Can you feel the sunshine on your skin oh sister it’s been cold and dark for so long come on let that sunshine in brighten up your spirits throw all your troubles in the bin and whether you lose or whether you win you’ll keep your heart open Everything keeps changing nothing stays the same these days there’s a better way you know but you’ve got to learn to let it go it keeps stressing you out take a break for goodness sake and don’t be shocked when you find a little welcome peace of mind Don’t let them take your sunshine away no sister it’s not your life that they’re living don’t listen to what they say there’s a light inside you so keep it shining every day and whether the skies are blue or they’re grey you’ll always find your way No one grieves for autumn leaves no tears at all we just watch them fall exposing their bones shivering and tall they’re waiting on the spring to come back around with the light and while they sleep you’ll have to keep your fire burning bright Always take the sunshine when you go oh sister keep it safe with you you’re going to need it when those ill winds blow and when they try to break you and make you someone you don’t know they’ll get up and go the moment you show your fire down below … peace of mind, peace of mind, try to find a little peace of mind
10.
Everything’s getting hotter how dare you claim you didn’t know you had your fun now we’ve got none What if your son or daughter say I hope you choke on your dough for what you’ve done you broke the sun Think of all those bridges burned all those lessons that were never learned they say that it’s never too late to start but it’s a fool that thinks it’s smart when everything is falling apart, c’mon. c’mon I’m trying to stop you from buying another tortured meal while we all fade away this old world is reeling it’s life that your stealing I want to make you feel what you’re afraid to say You say you love your children you’d do anything for them but it’s not true because you knew The lifestyle that you’re leading is sure guaranteed to condemn your children to their Waterloo … afraid, to say, you better change or get out of the way
11.
The sun is sinking low nobody waves goodbye and another day slips away pretty soon you’re leaving we’re shooting for the stars our satellites fill the sky but tell me my friend in the end what are we achieving The days go flying by I’m trying to hold on tight but they’re moving past pretty fast I wonder where they’re going they come and then they’re gone or are they just out of sight waiting silently for us to see they could be still worth knowing Oh what if we you and me were never here oh and if it was true then me and you could never disappear And I know that it feels all wrong to conform just to belong but you’ll never know what it’s like to be somebody like me until you realize that this world’s built on lies you won’t know the way I feel Those starry eyed people go floating through their lives trying to sell you hope on a rope like it’s some new age cleaner and if you dare object they’ll soon be out with the knives and then suddenly you can see it only makes them meaner It won’t be long until there’s nothing left to steal you say that it’s all good and you’re just trying to keep it real but all the meaningless clichés they never will conceal we’re being crushed beneath the wheel Now there’s a fragile planet that’s spinning through space with some creatures who always knew what a mess they’re making but still they plow ahead the truth is too hard to face don’t tell me my friend that the end is not of our own making … Being crushed beneath the wheel, we’re being crushed beneath the wheel, we’re being crushed beneath the wheel
12.
What’s in your mind that keeps you busy pretending you’re kind, oh but I know that you want control and you’ll do anything just to get more you heartless soul You make faces you touch all the emotional bases, oh but I know you don’t really care it’s more power that you’re after seemingly unaware I can see right through you and your self-serving game everything that you do is designed to avoid the blame cold and charming you can smile while harming and the secret you conceal I’m driven to revel Hell isn’t haunted by devils like you you’re all here scheming that’s what you do and the world that we wanted no it ain’t coming true because of folks like you You’re quick to smile it’s the weapon you choose to hide your guile, oh but I know just what you’re doing you’re smiling at the very same people you’re screwing I’m stripping bare the veneer of compassion that you wear, oh but I know what we’ll discover is that self-interest is all that lies beneath your cover What we do is what we are the wounds that heal still leave a scar there’s no reason good enough to excuse the damage that you do with all the empty words you spill and rules you hide behind you won’t stand and fight for what is right you’re afraid to be kind
13.
Sometimes it feels good just being sad thinking about all of those good times that we had oh it was long ago I know there’s nothing I can do but here I am still thinking about you I haven’t seen you since who knows when still you pop up in my dreams every now and then oh that’s the way it goes who knows what my mind’s going to do I’ll fall awake still dreaming about you Yeah we would stay up late trying our best to create moments we could celebrate the future seemed so bright we didn’t have a care we were both walking on air there’s nothing we didn’t share our hearts were young and light Then life got in the way and so began our decay a little bit more each day nothing was said but soon our love was dead now I’m on my own that’s how I live all alone it’s sad to say I’m wondering what I wouldn’t give to have that feeling today There were ways we could have made it work maybe if I hadn’t been such a god damn jerk but there’s no going back I know I don’t really want to so why am I still thinking about you … Oh yes I’m wondering what I wouldn’t give to have that feeling today today oh today, just to feel that way
14.
Hold on to me ‘cause I ain’t going nowhere you’ll never see a time come when I don’t care I’m going to be your shelter when the bitter winds blow hold on to me and don’t ever let go Time’s passing by are we getting left behind I don’t know why it even matters it’s kind of hard to deny that, you’re the sweetest thing that I know it’s just you and I hold on and don’t let go I don’t care where I am going without you it ain’t worth knowing I need you to be with me you’re all I ever want to see you’ve always been my silver lining brighter than the stars shining in the sky so far away it’s here with you I want to stay I’m someone who has made my share of mistakes I can’t undo sad memories and heartaches but I promise you that, our love will never fall apart just know that it’s true I’ll never break your heart Don’t be afraid we’re lucky to have found each other we’ve got it made our love’s a flame this world can’t smother you and I together we’ll pull each other through and until the day I die I’ll be in love with you Hold on to me ‘cause I ain’t going nowhere it’s plain to see there’s something special we share there’s no mystery it’s simply giving everything so hold on to me and don’t ever let go, oh Don’t ever, don’t ever, don’t ever, don’t ever, don’t ever, don’t ever let go

about

This album is dedicated to my mother Margaret McEwan who died just before I started recording, as well as my cats Reggie and Margo who both died near the completion.
Until we treat all animals and the environment with the kindness and respect that they deserve, we will continue to treat other people in a similar horrific manner.

credits

released April 16, 2022

Written, recorded, produced, instrumentals (including bagpipes), and
vocals by Paul McEwan.
Mastered by Andy Krehm with Silverbirch Productions.
Album cover stained glass art by my mother Margaret McEwan.

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Paul McEwan Toronto, Ontario

Toronto musician & songwriter. Give it a listen, you won't be disappointed.

Check out my YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/@mcewanband

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